The Grieving Dance

This past summer, I took some time off from writing so that I could spend more free time with my mom.

My mom and I have always been best friends.  We spoke on the phone at least five times a day and spent as much time together as our schedules allowed.

Right before Labor Day weekend, my beautiful, loving momma passed away suddenly.

It was a complete shock.

In fact, we had spent the prior two days before she passed eating delicious foods, laughing, wandering along Main Street in Spring Lake, and having a “perfect 10” day at the beach.

Anyone who has grieved the loss of a loved one knows that it is a unique journey.  The best analogy to describe grief is that it feels like a rollercoaster ride with many twists, turns, and unexpected drops.

While I feel totally overwhelmed at times; as if I’ve lost my footing, I do believe that it is possible to still find balance and joy in grief.

Here is how I’ve been dancing through this complex journey:

1. Embracing the Chaos with Humor

I am coming to learn that grief can be messy. One minute I’m laughing at a memory, and the next, I’m crying my eyes out.

I feel like I’m “losing it” at times. But I am learning that this is normal.  Losing someone you love is kind of like putting a puzzle together (without looking at the box) — it feels impossible, frustrating, and confusing.

I am learning to embrace the chaos.  I am allowing myself to feel the full range of emotions. I am learning how to dance with them, wrestle with them, and yes, even laugh at the absurdity of it all.

2. Setting Aside ‘Grief Time’

I usually schedule my time for work and free time, but I’d never considered carving out some intentional time for grieving.

This doesn’t mean I must wallow in sorrow, but rather, I can create space to remember, reflect, and feel.

During that allotted time, I can light a candle, listen to a song that brings back memories, or just sit quietly with my thoughts.

One of the practices I have been enjoying is writing my mom letters in a journal given to me by a dear friend.

I am thinking of it as a scheduled “grief appointment” and it’s been very healing.

3. Finding My Support Squad

One of my most important realizations is just how important community is when you’re grieving.  No one should ever have to navigate grief alone.

I am practicing being honest with friends – or strangers – when they ask me how I am.  I do not give them the rote, “I’m fine” response.  When appropriate, I share with them my feelings, even if it means “ugly crying” right in front of them.

I have come to see that it doesn’t scare people away or make them uncomfortable; rather, it connects us deeper and gives others an opportunity to sympathize with, support and comfort me.

Being vulnerable and allowing people to share in my grief has been a lifesaver.

If you are experiencing loss, I encourage you to reach out to friends, family, or even a support group. Share your feelings, tell stories, or simply sit in silence together.

4. Mixing in Some Distractions

I am learning that sometimes my brain just needs a break from all the heavy feelings. I have been allowing myself to also be distracted at times, whether it’s going for long walks with my dog, binge-watching Netflix, taking classes at my fitness studio or doing “busy” housework, I find that when I engage in mindless activities, it provides me with a much-needed respite from my sorrow. I am thinking of it as a mini-vacation for my mind— and there’s no passport required!

5. Practicing Self-Compassion

I am being kind to myself. I am learning that grieving isn’t a race; it’s a personal journey. There will be days when I feel as if I’m moving forward and days when it feels like I’m taking two steps back. I am reminding myself that it’s okay to have good and bad days. Just like a seesaw, finding balance takes time and patience and I can grieve at my own pace.

6. Creating Memorial Rituals

Honoring my mom in small ways helps me to cultivate my connection with her and gives me so much comfort. By intentionally taking time to do activities that I know my mom enjoyed, such as planting flowers or taking a dance class makes me feel close to her.   Rituals such as lighting a candle for her at church or framing my favorite photo of her can help me to feel more grounded.  These things serve as a beautiful reminder that love endures beyond loss.

7.  Clinging to my faith

I am also aiming at increasing my faith. I know that I would never be able to get through this suffering without it.  I am trying to take more time out of my day to read and meditate on Scripture, listen to uplifting Christian music and I am surrounding myself with people who encourage me on my faith journey.  Loss has knocked me off my feet, but increasing my faith and trusting in God is helping me to find my equilibrium.

8.  Dancing Through the Storm

I am learning that finding balance in grieving is not about eliminating the pain; it’s about learning to dance with it. I am trying to embrace the ups and downs, lean on my support system, and not to forget to laugh along the way.

If you are also navigating loss, remember: it’s okay to take things one step at a time. And when you stumble, just pick yourself back up and keep on dancing.

Grief may be a part of our story as humans, but it doesn’t have to be the entire book.

We can find balance and embrace life as is —messy, beautiful, and uniquely ours!